Step 8 - 09/02/13, Barnet FC vs Port Vale, Underhill, Barnet

So back to the bread and butter of the English League system and our first league proper game. This was the first step on a major offensive to finish off the climb within 2 seasons and as I am only posting this now you can guess that that didn't work out so good. Work, holidays, weddings, life and death gets in the way of the important stuff doesn't it? On the up side we have next season to look forward to.

So where were we off to? Again with our options limited there was only a couple of grounds we could easily have visited but of these the only team at home on the selected date was Barnet who were to take on high flying Port Vale. That and the fact that Edgar of the Davids variety is player manager.

To the pub.

Ye Old Mitre Inn a thorough decent wee pub and despite Al trying to confuse them with his Ballinamallard hat they allowed us in for an ale by their fire. From this high point of Barnet it was a lazy stroll back down the slope towards Underhill.

Outcasts

Now we were league supporters we had to collect our tickets having ordered them online, not sure this internet thingy will catch on but we jumped through the appropriate hoops anyway. The ticket office was beside the club shop/portacabin so we popped in only to find a rival leagues club's tat to be on sale. A small corner of the building was dedicated to Arsenal! Confused as to the friendly rivalry gone mad we only later found out that they played reserve games at the club and not just that but Brazil had trained there the week before ahead of a friendly with Ingerland. Now no harm to Barnet nice we club in a handy outer London location but it literally doesn't have a level playing field, in fact the ground is famous for it's sloping pitch. Surely Arsenal and Brazil could find a flat pitch for a kick about. Maybe this is to explain Brazil's 2-1 loss and Arsenal's trophy-less spell.

Posh

Disapproving Looks All Round

Being the tight arses we are we had gone for the cheapest tickets at a relatively fair £12 each. This did mean that in one of the wettest, greyest weeks in February we were in the open confines of the North West stand. An appearance by the only Barnet celeb more famous than Mr Davids made an appearance to lift our damp spirits. Mr Bumble we salute you. He even sent me a tweet after the game, man-bee of the people. I know our guest editor posted this before but it's worth another look.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqrYA6MJgF8

Worker, soldier, legend.

Update - he recently lost his crown having come second to Barrett Homes safety mascot, Barry Barrett.  Mr Bumble had been handicapped due to his previous back to back wins in 2011 and 2012 and is still my hero.

On with the fitba.

Natural

Barnet were in a precarious position having come up from the Blue Square Premier in 2005 their league status was in danger. With their imminent move to the new purpose built Hive ground for next season meant they desperately wanted to stay up. Port Vale on the other hand were flying high at the top of League One. Barnet, like a broke prostitute, needed something from the game.

Barnet were Slopy at the Back

Barnet were the better of the 2 sides for most of the game and came close with a couple of decent efforts on goal. The game wasn't up to much and the freezing conditions weren't helping. The most exciting element was that Edgar had named himself in the team. He was easily a step above the other players and one particular through ball in the first half was sumptuous. For the first time we actually recognised some of the players. In addition to the aforementioned Davids there was, Darren Purse, Graham Stack, the infamous Lee Hughes and John Oster. As half time approached our minds began to wander towards half time sustenance and the important action of the burger test.

As usual here is a quick review of the half time snack scoring system: Culinary expert 'S' 'A' (stand in due to work commitments but having previously stepped up at Cambridge there was no better stand in) will be the taste tester. Pies, being the traditional food of choice, were to take priority but due to lack of lower league pies a burger has been substituted. Food will be rated out of 5 stars. 1 being poor, 2 being average 3 being good 4 being very good and 5 being excellent.

An extra "+" will be awarded for the serving of bovril. The maximum score is "5 +".

Score - 0.0 +.

Sad times.  In our testers own words:

"Barnet's troubled season and inexorable slide to relegation has no doubt been deliberated and discussed using many varied metaphors and analogies, but no simile would draw a greater parallel to unmitigated failure and loss than that of direct comparison to Barnet FC Snack Bar's burger.

Barnet's burger, like Barnet FC, has to go down.

But not just a drop of a league, like the club, but further down, all the way down, somewhere so far down that no-one, no living organism will ever, ever have to be exposed to its terrible rankness again. Allow me to explain why.

For a start, unlike most burgers, the Barnet burger cannot contain meat. I'm not being fussy here and referring to beef, I'd take horse any day of the week over the strangely green material, possessing a distinctly foul smell. There's no sign of any natural ingredients in there at all, it's just a uniform, thin patty of green, smelly... stuff. Then there's the preparation of the Barnet burger. Unlike the usual procedure, adopted and followed by every other football ground caterer we've encountered on our Odyssey through the lower leagues, Barnet FC Snack Bar can't be bothered with cooking anything on site so the lass in the food van simply has to lift the lid on a metal container full of indeterminately aged thin, green, smelly objects, lukewarm and sweaty, place them in a dry, tasteless bun and pass the sorry collection of dry, green, smelly objects to the customer in exchange for £2.50. Condiments are definitely required to moisten things up enough to allow consumption by any creature, including bacteria.

Once enough Tommy K has been administered (note that this was watered down quite a bit) it's time to take that leap of faith that the nose is screaming at you not to take. Mouth open, nose closed, hand moves object toward mouth, teeth close, bite taken, chewing commences, throat closes automatically, the self-preservation instinct, evolved to prevent foul and corrupt material entering the body, honed and perfected over tens of thousands of years, kicks in. Modern man, straining against the natural urge to eject the contents of the mouth onto the floor, overrides these commands, continues chewing and finally, thankfully, swallows. Immediate application of coca cola to wash the grisly contents down, vainly hoping that the overwhelming gamey, grim flavour and after taste will soon disappear. It doesn't. It's going to linger for a long time, maybe forever.

At this stage of my deputy burger taster duties, I'd sufficiently established that this burger was going to be a very low scoring one and decided to not eat any more. It will come as no surprise that I immediately scored Barnet FC Snack Bar's burger a big fat zero, nada, nothing and that's only because the ELUTP team hadn't ever considered that we might need a negative scale of scoring going back somewhere as far in numerical terms as negative ten to the power of one hundred; a minus googol! Well we do and if we did that's how low scoring that burger would be and I think Barnet need to look at improving all aspects of their game next season - catering included.

NOTE: It may interest the reader that my burger wasn't wasted. Oh no! Our team captain ate his burger right up and then put mine away too. Not all men are 'modern' as above."

Bovril was the one saving grace

Revulsion

A quick safe twix and a cuppa to mask the lingering "burger" taste from our mouths and on to the second half. Port Vale for being league leaders and top scorers were shockingly poor and didn't look like breaking Barnet down. They had a large following and they sang their haearts out but the best opportunity fell to Pope with 15 mins to go but he could only bobble it against the post. 5 mins later Barnet had the ball in the net but Osters corner was adjudged to have gone out and come back in again, no goal. Barnet offered up a couple more chances before the end but the Vale keeper was equal to them all and everyone was glad to get into the warm.

It was nice to go to a proper old school stadium which was about to be closed and since it is so close it would be rude not to plan a revisit to the new Hive Ground complete with flat pitch.

There wasn't really an option of going in the "club house" or at least we didn't see the option. They have a cricket pavillion for members only so we just trudged back to the local pub and retook our seats to get a beer and some edible food.

As this is so late we now know Barnet went down, the point they gained when we visited at least gave them a chance of survival but alas it was not to bee!

Ticket price - £12

Beer Price - Pint Guinness £4.00 - local pub.

Burger/Pie Price - £2.5 . 0.0+ star rating.

Crowd - None given estimated 2398

Score 0-0

Facilities

Bar - Nope 0/10

Food - Yes - if you could call it that.

Stand - Yes 2 all seaters and 2 terraces. Capacity 6,023

Programme - Yes £2.00

Fanzine - No

Club Shop - Yes complete with Arsenal section. Shirt £39.99